Do you want to live and love beautifully?

A few years ago I imagined the people I love ...well, dying.

(Sounds awful, I know...stick with me, I will explain...)

I had attended several unexpected funerals in a short period of time, listening to beautiful things being said about people who died too soon and wondered one thing:

Did they ever truly know how much they were loved and cherished?

So, I decided to write letters to several loved ones telling them everything I would want them to know now, so there would be nothing new to say at their funeral. I promised myself I would write as though they had passed away, to ensure I could be completely vulnerable and honest, without fear of embarrassment or judgment.

It was not easy, it was actually painful to imagine, but that is what I did.

Except, I left one person out: my daughter. I have not had the courage to write her letter, until today.

Her letter is how this blog ends.

living breathing screaming

We all look back on our lives and want to change something several things, don't we? That's what it means to be human, no? Fallible. Fragile. Perfectly imperfect. This is especially true with our relationships, isn't it?

This blog is about beautiful, fragile, messy relationships.

This blog is about how we love, sometimes getting it wrong, but still trying to get it right.

This blog is about how you decide to write your love story.

We want the people we love to know we love the sh%# out of them, even when we're impatient or tired or feeling insecure or being entirely too serious...

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mother daughter love

My daughter called me last week, broken. And it broke me.

I never feel so helpless as I do when my children are in pain and I cannot make it better ...or go away, even when I know the pain they feel will make them stronger and more beautiful.

She is 21. I had her when I was 21 and we spent the first 7 years of her life alone. She affects me like nobody else; she lives in a sacred place in my heart. I cannot explain it.

Who lives in your sacred space?

She cried and bled her heart to me and then said "why can't I have it all together and be as strong as you?"

(that's when I thought: I have to write her letter so she knows how I feel about her)

I melted and told her how wonderful she is, how much I believe in her, and how I am deeply broken AND totally fabulous, just like her.

I listened and didn't say much... but what I really wanted to say was : sorry.

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dear alexandra

I am sorry you are hurting and if I could take it for you, I would ...except that I know this too shall pass.

I know this will make you stronger and more resilient and more beautiful ...and I still want to take it for you.

I am sorry I wasn't there for your little heart like I should have been when you were little, you deserved better.

I loved you like crazy but forgot to just be with you; I was so busy trying to be a great example of a strong woman, mother, and father that I forgot to show you the beauty in my weakness.

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If I could go back ...

I would stop doing so much.

I would look into your sweet little eyes more often.

I would cuddle with you instead of vacuuming.

I would cook with you every night, experimenting with food while you giggled, instead of rushing through dinner.

I would hold you more often and tell you that you are more than enough, now and always.

 

You are my light, my life, my breathing, giggling reminder of pure, beautiful love.

I love your tender heart.

I love the way you put on your socks.

I love your twisted sense of humour.

I love the woman you have become.

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My precious girl ...please don't ever live in my shadow; there is no need, for you are brilliant and big and brave and beautiful.

Remember that Marianne Williamson quote I used to read, hoping to know and believe? Well, I believe it now monkey and you should too:

"You are a child of God ...your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you..."

. williamson quote my girl blog      
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She is talking about you, my love.

She is talking about me.

She is talking about every single person reading these words.

Please let that truth settle deep into your soul. Unshakeably.

xo

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