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.#mistakes that are really #blessings

 

Have you ever had to make a decision that you know is both right AND extremely painful? 

{ sometimes, that just sucks! }

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I closed my business last month…it was one of those decisions. 

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I have been told to make sure the “spin” on what happened is flattering.

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I have been told to communicate very little, just surface detail – if any at all.

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{ confession? I don’t always do what I am told and pretending I’m ok when I’m not eats me alive! }

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 …sometimes, it is very inconvenient to have a conscience! 

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easier not better

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The thing is … the facts of the situation are what they are; they don’t change.

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and

I understand and value that there are always many ways to look at a situation

{ glass half full / half empty and all that good stuff }

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 but … I want to tell it like it is, even if that means I feel vulnerable & exposed. And I do. 

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I don’t want to water it down or shine it up…for a hundred different reasons, but mostly because that just isn’t me.

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My brain won’t stop.

I feel bruised.

I am disappointed.

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I feel an overwhelming sense of loss … of time, money, and energy.

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I feel relieved and free.

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I feel as though I let my family down. 

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AND…I am struggling to reconcile it all.

 

I am overwhelmed by the blessing this whole experience has been, only to hear my critical voice whisper “that’s what losers say”. 

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quote

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I wonder if things would be different if I had just worked a little harder.

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I look back and see the red flags – only now they are glowing. )

 

I play the “what-if” game, futile as it may be.

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#stop and just #love yourself

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And then I think: when will the criticizing stop?

If not now, when?

Of course, there have been countless business lessons learned over the past few years and I will use them all in my future adventures…

I now have expertise in marketing, hiring, accounting, protocol development, HR, people management…

{ the list goes on an on… }

 

AND, every.single.day something happens (often several things) that affirm the decision I made was the right one.

I am in awe of how often that happens.

And I just have to trust.  

And, I do.

AND… it still hurts. 

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forgive-yourself-3

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… I have sacrificed much.

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The people who love me have sacrificed even more.

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These last few years have been some of the most significant in my life.  

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Not because I became an entrepreneur, developed a new skill set, or made mistakes, but because I understand (a little bit better) these profound, life-changing truths:

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i do enough i  have enough i am enough

Do you ever just want to punch someone & then politely say… 

I’m enough. Now, back off!

 { perhaps it’s just my rage. haha. kidding. not really }

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This time, I am choosing to see things differently. 

#neweyes

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This time, I am disappointed in the outcome, not in myself.

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This time, I am not my circumstances.

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This time, I will forgive myself for the mistakes I have made & I will celebrate what I’ve learned.

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This time, I will let myself get excited for the new future I see for myself & for my family.

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AND…

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I will allow myself the space I need to feel it all:

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Disappointment.

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Relief.

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Hope.

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Failure.

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Sadness.

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Excitement.

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Clarity.

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Confusion.

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Pain.

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Pride.

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Resilience.

 

I will allow myself to be filled, fed, & changed by the beautiful experiences of the last few years …

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LIKE…

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Watching my husband burn the candle at both ends, dog tired, and still work to make sure I have all the space & support I need to realize my dreams

Coming home after a 14-hour day as he looks at me with concern in his eyes, insists I take a bath as he pours me a glass of wine – because he knows I am on the verge of collapsing.

 

Knowing he doesn’t see himself in those moments, he only sees me.

And as I try to unplug from work and manage my emotions, the tears stream down my face because the way he loves me is just so overwhelming.

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my beautiful husband

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The text you get from a friend that says, “I adore you, I am here for you and I will never walk away”.

And then another that says, “my love and admiration for you are unconditional”.

And then another and another, offering strength & encouragement when you are just too tired to find it in yourself.

( And those messages bring you to your knees … )

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#family is everything

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Sitting with someone who loves you as you try to explain how you feel, searching for the right words, watching empathy well up in their eyes because they ache for you & would do anything to carry your burden.

 

And they just keep repeating, “I believe in you” so there is never an empty, dangling moment for you to question how they feel.

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shelter

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And you take all of that in – slowly and humbly –  and realize how fully & completely you are loved. 

And that kind of selfless love strengthens & changes you.  

Forever.

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I will choose to see myself through new eyes because my family needs me to be ok.

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I will move forward because the people I love deserve the best of me. 

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nolan kissing me

 

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